Self Esteem Part 2
As last post noted, everyone has insecurities. I think that is important for us to remind ourselves especially if we find ourselves comparing our realities to someone’s social media edited-realities. And the kicker is our insecurities tend to be some of our deepest held negative emotions. Clients would come to therapy ready to talk about their anxiety, depression, relationship issues, even trauma on the first day. BUT insecurities were usually only a subject we were able to breach once they trusted me and we had worked together for awhile (sometimes years). I believe that is because shame is a big part of our self-esteem, or lack thereof. We play a negative voice in our head on loop. Often times this voice reminds us of other’s judgmental comments, or perceived shortcomings. Sometimes this voice is the general world/media image comparing us to people we see on social platforms.
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Wherever this voice or shame came from, it is not factual, and it does not have to be the only voice in our head. I like to tell clients to turn down this negative voice and turn up a positive one, usually their actual OWN voice. To add another opposite chorus to the resounding shitstorm of negativity. TO add a gentler, more loving voice, and to drown out the other. A voice that remind us that our self worth and value DOES. NOT. COME. FROM. OUR. EVER CHANGING. APPEARANCE !!! I mean lets go down that thought tunnel for a second with some logic. Lets say the media/social platforms/fashion industry is correct, lets say that our true human value is based on having a gender specific look that is perfect with zero flaws, and zero body fat. So for an identified woman that would look very specific, and small, but with curves in the right areas. AND lets say you are a person who works really hard to get that very specific look, or you simply look that way due to genetics. THEN WHAT? I mean then you will get that job? Maybe. Then you will get all the power in the world? Probably not. Are you then more valuable and worthy than the person next to you due to your looks? NO, right? Now here is the caveat -realistically there are systems in place which favor these body shaming ideals, and these prejudiced beliefs and there are people who themselves buy into the oppressive system and aren’t able to see all people and body types as beautiful. We may even find ourselves believing these messages and even may enact these messages in our own lives. Yes, there is real systemic prejudice and systematic bias that individuals can enact in their own lives. BUT that doesn’t actually indicate our true value and worth as humans, does it? And that is the point I am trying to make. There have been oppressive systems since humans created civilizations. But that doesn’t mean these systems are factual and reasonable in deciding who is valuable and worthy. In fact historically the systems of power in our societies tend to have the value of humans below productivity or money, and power. So then you have to ask yourself, do you want to live your life measuring up to a systemic standard, that you didn’t even develop or decide upon in the first place.
I realize that was a tangent, but I think when it comes to long standing body standards it is important to really think back to where these ideals came from.
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Now more about our bodies.
I understand that often times our bodies are deeply intertwined in our self esteem, (for all genders) and I think our bodies can be a healing factor in our ability to love ourselves. One way to do this is to start noticing things our bodies can do, vs. always looking at how our body is appearing. When you next move your body, notice how it moves, notice what it is capable of, notice even how the movement feels.
Notice how your appearance can often be a road map or a guide to what your body has experienced vs. looking at scars, stretch marks or gray hairs as unwanted. Those scars speak of a time when you experienced something exciting, painful, adventurous, perhaps. That grey hair is a sign of your wisdom, your genetics, your lived stress. Look at your body in the mirror and notice the story it would tell to someone else.
Seek goals that show what your body CAN do, rather than looking for goals surrounding how your body looks. You can run for 10 minutes? Try for 15 minutes, rather than trying for 5 lbs. Praise your body for the things it can accomplish, like problem solving an issue at work with a creative fix.
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Take home: Try to think of one or two traits that you’d like to embody in your image. Is it confident? Determined? Warm? Joyful? Now think of what these traits look like in others’ mannerisms, or ways of being. Look for ways to incorporate these traits into your daily life. Especially when you find yourself in a hard situation, remember your trait and re-center your reactions around that.
***Originally Posted February 27nd 2019 on LVLHolistic’s Instagram page as a collaborative presentation regarding mental health and nutrition***